Wednesday, August 4, 2010

Sugar, oh how I'll miss you

Yesterday was not a great day for me. I had my annual check up with my favorite doctor and she decided to give me a whole lot of tough love. I absolutely adore my doc, but yesterday, I really wasn't feeling it.

I actually went to her and asked her to put me on mood stabilizer meds. Yep, the girl who gets in a tizzy about even taking a Tylenol for a headache actually begged for some hardcore medication. My head just hasn't been in a good place for a really long time. I think it all started with untreated postpartum depression (from both deliveries) and has just gotten worse from there.

She told me something that another friend of mine has been emphasizing for a long time. All of this weight that I'm carrying is causing way more harm than I even realize. And I think deep down that I do realize it, but just don't know how to deal with it anymore.

My weight has been a major issue for me as far back as I can remember. In high school, I worked out a lot and played volleyball and still hated my body. I would compare myself to my girlfriends who I always thought were so gorgeous and thin, not even realizing that I was not fat. I look back at pictures from myself at that age and am horrified that I thought I was overweight.

Now, I have the opposite problem. I've been overweight for so long now that I've found a level of comfort with my size. And that really bothers me. When I look in the mirror, I see that small girl from high school with the cute face. It's not until I see pictures of myself at this size that I am aghast at the person looking back at me. The one thing that hasn't changed is that I'm still incredibly self-conscious in public. I do NOT like people looking at me.

So, my doctor refused to give me meds. While she agreed that I definitely have some mental things that need to be addressed, she really feels like if I face my food addiction first and get it under control, then other things might start to work themselves out.

Since sweets are my worst vice, she told me to eliminate sugar from my diet for 3 months. And then I cried. Ok, not really, but I sure wanted to. Chocolate, ice cream, cookies and all those wonderful bits of junk food goodness are what I turn to when I can't deal with what's going on around me. And now I have to let it go. And frankly it scares me. I have to find another coping outlet to deal with my emotions, so I'm really trying to focus on writing again and hitting the gym. At least then, I might have a lot of great things to show for the 3 months of hell that I'm about to go through.

So, I would expect to see a lot more blog entries from me for the next few months. And I've started writing again. This time it's a whole different story. A story that's more autobiographical. A story that is heading into uncharted territory. A story whose ending has yet to be written, but one that I'm really looking forward to seeing.

11 comments:

brainella said...

Good for you, Angie. You might just inspire me to tag along. I hope it's easier than you think. :)

Charlene Canfield said...

Hi Angie!
I wish you all the best. I have also had weight problems since I can remember. I have never been small. I am going next week to a class about the gastric bypass. That scares the heck out of me. But I have to do something. I am all my son has. I also am thinking that if I do go that route, then there is no turning back. No going back to it when my diet is over, or I just wont take that solo slim pill today..Or go pig out somewhere. I will have to be good, right? Well again Best Of Luck to you! You can do it! (I think I could too, but getting your mind in the right place is the hardest part. sounds like you could be there!)

Kat said...

I am starting Atkins again next week. I took a break when we went on vacation and I have felt like crap :-) I am actually looking forward to it. Are you doing something similar??

Shannon said...

We're going to do this. Watch what we eat, start exercising, and be healthier.

Sugar can suck it. We're going to DO THIS.

I'll be with you every step of the way.

Jane's Art said...

Damn........you go girl.......

Shelley said...

First, I'd be finding me a new doc. If you have enough issues to ask for meds, she ought to give them to you.
2nd, I know that you can do anything that you put your mind too.
I guess that most every woman on the planet has issues with how they look (you remember me, right?) I can be good on a diet for a few days and then BALAM......i pig out and ruin whatever good I might have done.
But you, I know you can do it. I'll be reading faithfully, maybe you'll get me some tips to help me out.

Fiona said...

Wishing you all the best, Angie. I think that writing helps a lot with depression, so I hope you've got a journal beside your bed! Good luck with the healthy eating :)

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Cousin B said...

I think you've got a great doctor there Angie...I'm glad her first choice wasn't to choose meds. as a quick cover up. It's true, sugar can cause real havoc with peoples bodies and inbalances. She's probably wanting you to see some positive changes first which will inspire you to keep doing it the healthy way. Don't think of it as depriving yourself, Just a change in the way your eating. And a challenge to create healthy meals without it. Keep healthy munchies available! So when you get that binge craving, you have something to go to. And good luck we're all pulling for you. And, btw, i'm sure you'll be able to incoorporate sugar back in, in tiny bits after a while, you just won't want as much! Hugs!

Tracey - Just Another Mommy Blog said...

I love your doctor. Most would jump right on board with a drug. Good luck!

finallygettingtoeven.com said...

Hi...I read your post and I feel your pain believe me. I have been dieting for the past month and have eliminated all sugars. I am a true sugar-addict. Not pies, cakes or the such but good old plain CANDY. I love candy and ever since childhood you could never give me enough. BLAH! I hoped I would grow out of it, NOPE, the addiction is just gotten bigger. Hang in there...Once you eliminate it from your system it gets a heck of alot easier.

 

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